Episode 30 Transcript
[00:00:00] Welcome to The Be About Being Better podcast, where we help people make evidence based sustainable. Small changes for their health that compounded the huge shifts towards a better, more vibrant life. I'm your host Abbie Stasior, a health and life coach, future registered dietician, a master's graduate from Columbia University, and a certified intuitive eating counselor.
And I believe that we can't make lasting or meaningful change single handedly. So I'm so happy that you're here so that together you can see that a diet free, sustainable lifestyle is possible, and you can leverage that to live a better life. And remember my disclaimer, This podcast is meant to give you general information.
And it's not meant to substitute or replace medical advice, a diagnosis or serve as treatment.
Abbie: [00:00:00] Y'all. Hello. Hello. I am so excited that we are back. I have a really amazing guest for y'all today, Nicole Breaker. Is absolutely amazing. She's one of my colleagues in the field and I was actually featured on her podcast a while back, so I was like, once we started bringing guests on to be about baby, I was like, I knew we had to get her on the docket.
Y'all need to hear her in her message because she is going to bring the house down Today. She is going to be talking about perfectionism. And we need this. We all need this. We're all recovering a perfectionist right now and how I think this will relate you, why I really wanted to bring her on is because we tend to be.
So all or nothing where we're either firing at all cylinders or we're not doing anything for our health, or we're doing so many things and we burn out and then we're not able to keep going. So she's gonna give us some tangible tips and some mindset shifts to recover from perfectionism and how to get over that.
So I'm really excited for us to dive into to our interview and so you can learn a little bit more about. She's a coach, a podcaster, an international speaker, and she specifically helps people ditch perfectionism. So she helps people also cut the hustle, cut it out, and to start achieving goals from a place of fun and fulfillment.
And who doesn't want that? She grew up in the personal development world, uh, which you'll hear in the interview that her family's like affiliated with Tony Robbins. Absolutely incredible. That's something I didn't know about her, so she's. Like absorbing this personal development world, attending seminars, all about the hashtag growth for literally ever.
She's incredible and she started her business. and she's helped hundreds now. I mean, her business has just completely scaled. She's helped hundreds of people all over the world recover from perfectionism and hit goals like scaling to six figures, cutting their work time in half, starting and sticking to hashtag sustainability new habits, and hitting breaking revenue months, which is absolutely incredible.
But the biggest surprise to all the perfectionists that she works with is that they end up experiencing more peace. They have more fun, they have greater fulfillment, and no perfection. And that's what actually, if we get rid of y'all's perfectionism, this is going to allow you to sustain a healthy lifestyle, sustain the energy that you need, and the lifestyle that you need to reach your goals and have the lifestyle that you want.
So this is, I'm sure perfectionism is one thing that's really holding y'all back. So we need this episode for sure. And then some other things about Nicole. She's been featured and she incorporated Thrive Global, the Self Helpless podcast, the Mighty. She's the C e O of Life Coach Baker and the host of the Life Coach Baker podcast.
And I've linked up in the show notes, our episode together, as well as a bunch of other goodies that Nicole has opened up to us. I'm so excited. So stay tuned for this episode and thank you for being here.
Hello. Hello y'all. Welcome back to the Be About Being Better podcast. I am joined with one of my good friends, one of my colleagues in the field,
Nicole Baker, life Coach Baker. And y'all just heard in the intro how incredible she is and I can't wait for us to dive in. Nicole, thank you for being here today,
Nicole: Thank you for having me on. You were someone who I could just talk to for literal days in a row, so I'm honored to be here and I'm so excited to talk to you about stuff.
Abbie: Yay. Okay. Well, let's dive in. My first question for you, really just diving into the deep end, what is one thing that you've been through in your life that now that you're on the other side, you can look back and say, you know what, that really changed me for the better.
Oh, I love this question. I have two answers, so I'm gonna go with the first one that came to my mind. Um, when I was a younger child, when I was a young warthog, you know, I was in a family that was heavily immersed in the personal development field. Both of my parents worked for Tony Robbins for many, many years.
I grew up going to the seminars. I grew up going to, you know, like listening to the audio pod or like listening. I almost said podcasts. They were audio tapes back then, like little cassette tapes, like way throwback. And this world was just embedded in me personal development. However, as I grew up, meaning like as I got into like elementary school and middle school, I started.
Becoming, I, I don't love this word, but I'm gonna say it for lack of a better one, started becoming a victim of severe
bullying. And it was to the point where I was stuffed into bathrooms. I was called names that I will never speak aloud to another human. It was just terrible. Like middle schoolers are mean, right?
Like, and.
I lost all that know, not knowledge, but like I lost all the ability to implement that personal development stuff that I
had learned from such a young age. And it really stuck with me for a long time. And it showed up for me in perfectionism majorly. But what changed for me was, I was actually in college, like that's how long this lasted in my life.
I was in college as at one of the top musical theater colleges in America. I was like so close to my dream I was gonna be, I was, you know, like gunned for Broadway. I was gunned for all these like different acolytes and stuff, and my voice professor sat me down and he said, Hey, because of your mindset, because of your perfectionism, because of how it's showing up in your levels at school.
You're not gonna graduate unless you perform a miracle. And I was like,
oh darn. Like this is bad. Like this is really, really bad. And it was that moment where I was like, oh my God, I have held myself back because of voices in my head that do not belong to me. , these are voices from little middle school boys and girls who don't have any power over me anymore.
So I actually called my dad the original life coach Baker, and I called him. I was like, yo, I, I, I do not need dad right now. I need the coach of all coaches cuz he was a, uh, we call, they call 'em a re results coach, but it's a life coach for lack of a better term. He was one of the results coaches for some of the top people in Tony's networking groups.
And so he was good , like he's really good. And I was like, I need coaching like you. I've never had coaching before. And God bless that man. He sat me down over the phone and he was like, let's get to work. And because of that experience, because of that one phone call I did my entire life changed. Not only did I graduate,
my entire mindset turned
around.
My perfectionism was massively down. I also realized I don't wanna perform , I wanna do this. Like, I want to make other people feel this good. And so, , after, you know, ignoring that little voice in my head for a while, I went on to perform in Chicago and
I was a lead in a
musical and. That same weekend, I had the dawning realization of I want to open up my own business. And so that was the last musical I ever did, and I've been
here ever since.
Abbie: Wow. Well, thank you so much for just diving in, being vulnerable, giving us all that detail, um, because I think we can really just learn your heart and your journey where, what got you to where you are today through that experience. And it's so interesting to hear you say that it was your perfectionism that held you back in school, that you actually, maybe you weren't even gonna graduate.
Because I think when we think perfectionism in the context of academia and education, Those are the people that are getting straight A's. They're, they're pulling the all-nighters. They're, they're going to office hours, they're sitting in the front of the class. They're doing everything that they possibly can to get perfect grades.
So it's interesting that that was not the case for
you.
Nicole: Well, and I, I, this brings me into something that I've, I've done in researching through my four years of coaching perfectionists. I realize that there's not a one size fits all for perfectionism, cuz when we think of perfectionists, we think of someone who has those straight A's the immaculate house, you know, like is very prim and proper.
However, when it comes to perfectionism, there, there is that side. Absolutely. There's that more type a, um, side of perfection. . There's also that very high achiever side of perfectionism. That person who is always gunning for the next thing and the next thing and the next thing, they tend to be extremely busy, like to the point where they're worth, um, and their ability to have a quote unquote good day is tied up into how busy were they?
How much did they achieve that day? And still, even if they got 90% of the things done on their four year long to-do list that they got done in an afternoon. , they will still look at the 10% that they didn't get done and they'll still feel like, Ugh, I'm not enough.
And so I was that type of perfection or was I, it still creeps up, I'll be honest with you, but, um, cause I'm not perfect.
But, uh, that type of perfectionism really tended to be where I lived and because I was so busy, because I was so. Uh, addicted to that next move. Next move, next move. I also was so overwhelmed and I was doing a bunch of the things that were not helping me move forward. I was filling my time with all of the stuff that was holding me back with all I, I call this procrastination almost for high achievers.
I, um, you know, the 80 20 principle. Are you
familiar?
Abbie: I feel like there's so many different ones.
Nicole: there are. I'll tell you what, what this, what I mean in this context and especially for listeners. So, um, way, way, way back when there was a name, a man named Alfredo Pareto, and that is his real name. I love him for it. . Um,
it's amazing,
right? And he was really curious about Italy's wealth, cuz he noticed that about 20% of the population controlled 80% of the wealth in Italy.
And he did. Same test with, you know, Germany, with Switzerland, with a bunch of different places in Europe. I noticed that it was about that same ratio, but then he was like, well, what if this is not just for, you know, wealth? What if this is for, you know, my garden? So he looked at the pea pod seeds that he planted in his garden.
I love this man. Like, who is he? It's amazing. And he looked at the Peapod. , and he noticed that 20% of the ones he planted produced 80% of the
crop. And so many, many, many years later, a bunch of businessmen decided to do this test in their business as well, and they realized that 20% of their output was producing 80% of their profit.
Now, jump ahead to where I was in school. I was doing the opposite. I was filling my time, being extremely busy with that 80%. That was only giving me 20% of an output. That was only giving me 20% towards my goal. And honestly, I would even say it was way less than that. I'd say it's more
like five or 2%. It
was
Abbie: Yeah. So
do you recommend that people do some sort of time study to figure out like what are the tasks that are actually moving the needle and which ones are wasting my
time?
Nicole: Maybe not so much a time study. I have people write out a list like what is your 80% a k a? What's the busy work that is not moving you forward for a lot of, let's say business owners, this might be social media spending way too much time on there where it's not a tool you're using, it's a tool
that's using you for
health and wellness. Um, I dunno, what would some, I'm trying to think of what would one be for health and wellness. I'm thinking like something that doesn't make you feel very good, that doesn't move the needle forward for you
in health.
Abbie: Yeah. I'm all, I'm thinking like almost spending too much time with friends and like, not saying no to things like going out to eat too much and just being almost too social where you're not doing anything to prep yourself. Cause like you're not meal prepping because you're just out all the time.
Nicole: exactly, that's a perfect example then. Like if we flip it, what's your 20%? The way I like to phrase this question is what is the really scary stuff that's wildly outta your comfort zone, but that you know will leap you
forward towards your goal?
So for me, um, in my fitness journey, I realized that running was something I loved doing.
It was also something that made me feel my fittest, and it was something both in the mind and the body. And it was something that whenever I finished, I was like, I am ready for my
day and for me, 20% that that is a 20% health and wellness task for me in school. Practicing and getting my butt into the practice rooms for numerous hours on end was something I wasn't doing, but it was a 20% task because I was terrified to do it because I didn't know what to do in the practice rooms.
I was so overwhelmed by all my options that I would literally procrastinate and put it off. So that is without a doubt, the biggest lesson I learned from that experience, and it's the reason I have my
degree.
Abbie: Absolutely. And there are so many, influencers that I follow now that have said, okay, this is why I end up hiring someone to clean my house. Because I realized I was procrastinating by, I cuz a cluttered desk is a cluttered mine, so I can't do any work until, so we were almost using that as a crutch to not do anything or we're just so consumed with laundry here.
This by so many of our moms, it's like, I don't know if we can afford to go to a laundromat. Send the clothes out or have someone come and help with those things. Um, but sometimes that is part of the 80%. We're like, yes, those things need to get done, but is it taking up too much of our day, too much of our time that it's taking away from the 20% that
could be moving the needle?
Nicole: So one of the things that my fiance and I are doing right now is we're applying this to wedding planning.
And what this looks like is, I'll, I'll give an example from literally yesterday. Um, we were ordering our, it's not guest book, but our guest poster that we're gonna have people sign and there was an option to do a digital file, which then we could, you know, go and print somewhere else and, you know, like do the, you know, More specific to what we wanted, or we could just order the print through Etsy, which was where we were ordering it.
And it would ca, it would come on a super high quality matte paper and like all this stuff. And I was leaning towards the digital file because I was like, oh, you know, we'll save a little bit of money that way. We'll do this, this, and this. And then Brett, my fiance, like looked me in the ISDs. I goes, what is one of our wedding values?
And I was like, Okay. It's ease. It's ease. It's ease. And he is like, is this aligned with those wedding values? And I was like, no, it's not. And so we paid a little extra money, we got the full. , um, like Matt printed already, all that good stuff. And I'm so glad we did because as a result, that's now less things that we have to do.
That's the
busy work, right? So, um, there's so many different areas of our life that we can implement it. The biggest way that I see this implemented and have a huge r o I, not in monetary but time, r o i, is with your.
because
people procrastinate on their goals and they call it being busy all the time, , and it drives me insane, but I'm so someone who does it.
But if we literally look at our 80% of the things that we want to, you know, if we're looking at our 80 and our 20%, thanks for going after our goals, and we either delete, delegate, or automate the 80%, you will achieve your goal. Rapid speed and I've seen it like a five year goal get done in three months.
Like
that's what I'm talking about.
Abbie: Wow. Wow. Okay. Can you repeat, what are those three
Nicole: absolutely. So looking at your 80%
delegate,
Abbie: Mm-hmm.
Nicole: automate, or delete,
Delegate,
automate, delete. So for me, delegate, let's look at like a business goal or something. Delegate might look like hiring a va or for me, with my podcast, it was hiring a podcast producer. I was like, I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't wanna do the uploading, the show notes, the editing, all that stuff. So now Ariel, my amazing podcast producer does that, and for me that. One of the easiest decisions for my business, I realized that a huge time suck for me was scrolling through social media and calling it quote unquote research. I deleted all of that time, so I have a new, I have a timer app, like a timer.
Um, what's the, Restriction.
There we go on my, on my phone
through those apps. So like, I cannot spend more time on those apps. That's a way of deleting, um, automating, if there's a, um, my, my entire schedule is automated every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, so on and so forth. Each day is devoted to a different category, so I don't have to worry about what's happening on those days.
It's all automated for me cuz it's all repeating tasks with the exception of the things that I have to do that week. So those are just some examples of. It, it not only cuts your week and your to-do list and it expands your free time
You know how you know those people and I don't know if you're one of them. I was definitely one of them where if like you are not. A stack of human skin by the end of the day, you're burnt out, you're exhausted. You know, if you are not at that level, then clearly you didn't
work hard enough that day.
Abbie: Right. I definitely used to feel that
way.
Nicole: I work with a lot of those types of people, and this is an amazing way to not only massively move the needle forward, but to also have I, and I've seen it literally be four or five hours brought back into your days
by this technique
alone. .
Abbie: Yeah. Yeah. Which I definitely have a question about that, but I wanted to hit on one point that you brought up earlier is that you were able to make that decision with your fiance for the wedding. because you had set core values, which love that. You set values for the wedding specifically. But we each have a set of core values.
And if, if someone listening right now, if y'all don't know what your core values are, then you need to figure that out because it will make decision making so much easier.
Nicole: Yes.
Abbie: You'll just be able to discern a lot faster and with more clarity and confidence. Is this aligned with my values? Is it not?
Is it getting me closer to my goals, or is it taking me farther away? Is this aligning? Is it not? So I think we might even need an episode that's dedicated just to helping you identify your core values based on
this.
Nicole: It's such an expansive question, right? Because it's like, first of all, whenever I do this exercise with my clients, they're like, well, what are values? Like money? And I'm like, that isn't, that is an ends value. There's a means to an end with it. Basically, it's just a thing. What does the money provide for you emotionally? And then they'll say things like freedom, success, joy, um, love. If it means like gifting it and being able to go on experiences with others. Those are your values, not.
Freedom. It's instead it's freedom, it's success, it's love, it's joy, it's whatever that is. And when I first did this exercise, I was actually at hilarious.
I was actually at a Tony Robbins seminar and um, he had us like write down our top three, we call it moving towards values. So those values that you really want outta your life. And my top three were love. Growth and
play.
And ironically, love and play and ease are our wedding values, , because we have very similar values, um, in our personal and in our, um, wedding.
But we sat before, we did any research, before we made a budget, before we looked at venues, before we looked at dresses, we sat down and created our values because every single decision around the wedding did the same thing. Do this with your business. Do this with your
goals. Do this with every area of your life.
It'll make decision making so
much easier.
Abbie: Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, I love that so much. Now going back to what you were saying about people that are burden, if they feel. , like they didn't do enough work in the day because they're not burnt out and just like on the couching away, um, this is speaking to that all or nothing mindset because if we're either going all in, firing out all cylinders, or if we're not able to do that, then we're like, well, not worth my time.
I'm just gonna do nothing. So we need to almost be living in the gray, finding a balance between the two. So how do you kind of live in the gray, if you will find that balance without feeling lazy, without feeling guilty.
Nicole: The thing that made the biggest impact was redefining rest for
me or redefining off time because for a lot of us, it is that laziness. It's that you're not motivated, it's that you're gonna become mediocre, you're gonna fall behind, and all these other beat down things.
So for me, I redefined rest to this is one of the most productive things I can. because if I'm not up here at my best, when I do sit down to conquer my list for the day, everything's gonna fall apart. So this needs to be at its absolute peak. Um, so for me, redefining rest was
huge. Um, other ways I live in the gray though, is I stopped creating a list of things to get done that day that was impossible. , like, I dunno else to put it. Um, so many high achievers have a to-do list for the day that is it's like five years of things to do in that one day. But there's this little, um, voice in your head that says, if you don't get this all done, then you suck.
Then you're not enough. Then people won't love you then, and it's a different then for everyone. But I, I realized that that was setting me up for failure. It was setting me up to feel terrible about myself. And so I started doing something called the daily. I wrote down three things I wanna get done that day, and if I get those three things done,
anything else is just bonus.
But those are my three things. I've modified it now to have that like category schedule and everything in my category schedule is a manageable amount of things, everything, and I, I now know what my manageable is. If you'd asked me three years ago, I would not have known. It took a lot of trial and error for me to get here, but the daily three was a really good way to like snap myself out and learn how to live in the gray, but have a direction in the gray.
For a lot of people, gray feels so hoodoo, voodoo, ethereal. Where do I go? It's like this mist, right? Like where do I go? I don't, I feel like I'm being led the water and by having a structure quote unquote around it, with the three, the daily. That allowed me to feel like in the gray. I still had a purpose. I still had that direction in the gray.
Now I'll be real. There were some days that you know, a fire happened and in the business or in personal, and I needed to ditch
That free and do something else. That was another thing I had to rewrite. If my expectations for the day change, that means nothing about me and my work ethic and my worthiness as a. absolutely nothing. And so that was a huge thing to change as well. Um, it's a flexibility that we all forget to have. , it's like almost flexibility within discipline, if
you know what I mean.
Abbie: And the recognition that we should be praising ourselves for being flexible, and they're like, oh, darn, I didn't get the three things done because I had to put out this fire. It's like, No, I, I'm actually happy that I have the skills to be flexible and to kind of flex on the fly to be able to, to handle that situation and that I had the bandwidth to be able to, to do that.
I think our perspective and how we approach those things, especially cuz life's, something's always gonna come up in life. It's just, it's what it is. We can expect that the unexpected is gonna happen. So I think by giving yourself three things that. can allow it to be more flexible. You're not filling your day with too much stuff, so it can help focus you, give you
discipline.
Nicole: That actually reminds me and I, we might have talked about this on my show. Um, another thing I implemented was I started at the very end of the day, like I'm about to turn out the light. I have a little journal in front of me. I write down, I think it was three things. I've stopped doing it cuz it's now just part of my brain thinking.
But I write down three things I did accomplish that day.
because
so often we'll sit down, we'll lay in bed and we'll be like, I didn't do this. I didn't do that. I didn't do da, da, da, da da da da. And then we're stressed before we go to bed. Which then
probably sleep is not what
Abbie: Right? We get poor sleep.
Nicole: Exactly. And you and I both know sleep is like the number one thing for our mental and physical health.
, so for me, being able to sit down and write down three things, I did do that. And like it can be bigger little, it didn't matter. And I kind of gave myself that flexibility and then write down five th five things that I am grateful for. And now my fiance and I have something called appreciations, where every night we do five things.
We're grateful for one thing we did accomplish that day, and two dreams that we're excited to accomplish. So, um, that
has become, it's so fun. I love it.
Abbie: Yeah, and I think the, the numbers put the emphasis on the things that you're really trying to reinforce. Like we're, we're still gonna appreciate what we accomplished, but we're just gonna pick one thing, but we're gonna double down on what we're grateful for. So we're gonna do five things.
Love that. Very intentional. And one thing we talked about on our episode together, if, correct me if I'm wrong, but one thing you also do at the end of the day is put your desk back to desk neutral.
Nicole: Yes.
Abbie: right? I think you coined that term. I was like, I think about that at the end of every day I was like, oh, you really just inspired me to like put my desk back to neutral so that the, I'm preparing myself for the next day.
I think that's so
important.
Nicole: Well, and I was actually literally just talking about this with a client the other day, um, cuz she was saying like, I really wanna be able to do that. And I was like, here's my, here's my little hack. Because there's some days where you're like, oh, you know, I gotta get started on dinner. Oh my gosh, there's this thing I gotta do, you know, it doesn't matter.
I'll, it's, it's not a super important thing. And when we push that back, then we come into our office the next morning or go sit down at our desk and it's cluttered and you're just like, you already feel behind. You already feel stressed. You already feel like something's not going right. And that is a feeling I am so in control over and it's so easy to fix the day before.
And. So what I do is I actually have a little time cube. Um, I just got it off of Amazon. It's like a little cube that has different times on it and you just like put down the time that you want. So I'll put 15 minutes down and for those 15 minutes I just plug in something and I do, do, do, do do, do, do. I put my desk back to normal.
And it's just a way to physically say this won't take longer than 15 minutes. I'll be straight with you. It normally takes three minutes. Like it is not a long task. It is so short. But just that little act of putting that timer down and saying For 15 minutes I'm gonna intentionally do this. Um, that little timer cube is my productivity best friend.
I love it. Cuz then you don't have to use your phone because when you open your phone, Most of us automatically go to email, Instagram, TikTok. We automatically go to an app that then we're like, oh my God, it's been 10 minutes and I've scrolled and whoops, I totally forgot. So, um, I'm a big, big believer in using your phone as little as possible when you're trying to get in that flow, that
focus flow,
um, which there's an. It is not this ethereal thing that just comes and like poops you on the head every once in a while. It is something that is a very easily accessible thing to access every single day.
It's all really combined together, but like, my clients call me the productivity master, and that is the reason why is because I've mastered that recipe to getting inflow state. And I'll tell you this, it does not involve my phone being anywhere near me, . So
that's been a
huge
Abbie: absolutely. It's a huge distraction. It sounds like productivity and perfectionism or healing from perfectionism go hand in hand because perfectionists will work, work, work. They won't take breaks. They'll learn themselves out. Whereas if they learn how to use their time more effectively, more productively,
Nicole: Yeah.
Abbie: they won't be burnt out by the day and they'll get more done in less time.
That's what I'm
Nicole: You're, you're hitting the nail on the head. Um, I'll give an example. During last summer, I would start my work days at like, you know, seven or eight. I'm a morning person. So for me that is like my number one focus flow time. I love it. Um, so I would do like my heads down, focus, flow time. It was amazing. I was able to crunch out so much of a weeks to do in that amount of time without that stress, that urgency, you know, that like, oh my gosh, I gotta get the next thing.
None of that. It was all from like this ease, this flow, this creativity. My work days would then end at noon, , like they'd be done by then. So I would go to the pool at my gym and I'd go lay out and read for like two hours. And it was delightful
and I loved it. But like
that was what productivity meant to me.
It meant that like, you know, works. I mean, I hate this. I hate that this term is so overused, but I think it's really important Work smarter, not. It was truly just down to that work smarter, not harder. It was looking at that 80%, getting rid of it or delegating and deleting and automating and looking at that 20%.
But what this does for perfectionists is it op, like you said, it opens up that time for them to. be able to create free time to be able to, you know, go do a hobby or to go achieve a goal that, that, that that's been like roaming around in their head or maybe it's go and see their family or spend time with their loved ones that they've been workaholic out of their life.
Like, you know, there's so much that just more time gives to us. I'm a big believer that you can go after your goals and still be a whole human. You do not
have to pick one or the other.
Abbie: Yes, and I think when you open yourself up and you start to do those hobbies and have more quality relationships and spend quality times with those people that you want to in your life, that's how you figure out who you are, not just what you do. Because we're, and I talk about this when we talk about body image on the podcast, like we are so much more than a body and you're so much more than what you do for work.
So we need to expand that, and you need to be doing other things in your life other than work.
Nicole: Bingo. And it's like, especially for perfectionists that like heads down, I need to be able to achieve. I need to be able to achieve. One of the things that having that free time does for you is it allows you to listen to your own thoughts in your head, because many of us, I mean I've been doing a lot around busyness addiction recently.
A lot of studies around this, which is. Fascinating. And there's a lot of studies that are showing that we are basically as addicted to busyness and it sets off the same things in the brain as gambling, pornography, addictions, methamphetamine, addictions. I mean like It is insane. Yeah, exactly. And so I love researching this because it's like, wow, we are really this society that is so addicted to being busy and why is that?
And so often it's because we are so. On Attune to listening to the voices in our own head and to be able to sit down at a pool and be like, what are the voices in my head actually saying? I came up with so many creative ideas because I had that time off because I was able to sit and just be me and really just like listen to my own thoughts in my head.
Abbie: Mm-hmm.
Nicole: That is never wasted time.
and a lot of people look at it like it's not productive, quote unquote, but how are you gonna know who you are if you're too afraid? I'll say cuz a lot of it is the core of being afraid to listening to the voices in your own
head.
Abbie: Mm-hmm. . Yeah. If you're not comfortable being alone, like that's kind of a red flag. So it almost seems like that stillness, that time to just be, which we are human beings, not human doings.
Nicole: ding,
Abbie: there's that.
Um, that helps us to recharge, refresh, rejuvenate, so that we can show up for our. Tasks, roles, responsibilities with greater energy, greater productivity to be more effective.
But it also sounds like we can use that to discover our purpose, just reconnect with ourselves, get other ideas, like there are countless benefits to just being in stillness and being in, I don't wanna say doing nothing, cuz we're always kind of doing something or thinking of something, but doing things outside of work where we can just
be.
Nicole: Well, and going back to my three values, right? It's love,
growth, and play. I cannot be in play if I'm constantly
doing something, if I'm constantly looking at my to-do list, doing the next thing, the next thing, the next thing. I'm living not in the present moment. I'm living two or three to-do list items ahead, right?
And. By having that space and that time to just like, be silly, be weird, or just to like relax and be at, be at peace and be still. It has led to more laughter in my life. It's led to more fun nights with my partner. It's led to, you know, like more fun nights with my friends and just like it, it opens up that space for us to.
Not take ourselves so seriously because we are a state. And then, you know, like I, again, I think that discipline and play can really go hand in hand. And a lot of people think of discipline as like that military style discipline, like sergeant, stand up straight. And I, I, I disagree. I think that they can go so hand in hand, like I.
You know, I have discipline in my schedule, but does that mean I take myself seriously when I'm writing a podcast episode? No, I'm being silly. I'm being weird. I'm, you know, I'm, I'm being myself, but because I'm in that flow state myself is able to flow so easily out of me without the, okay, what's my next task?
What's my next task? I'm able to just be in that present moment with it. And so I think that's like a hidden bonus that a lot of people don't realize, um,
Abbie: Yeah, and being yourself, your authentic self is very energizing, and you'll realize you have that longevity with whatever you're working on when you are kind of releasing your authentic self being fake. or trying to fit yourself into some mold of what you think other people would like or what other people would wanna see, and you're really suppressing your real self.
That is exhausting, and that's the quickest way to burn out.
Nicole: One of my, um, when I first started like going to networking meetings and stuff like that, cuz you know, when you're an entrepreneur, you're on an island a lot of the time, especially as an online
entrepreneur, you're like, oh my god, is there no one else but me here? You know, it can be really exhausting.
But when I started going to network meetings, um, you know, I'd be talking to these women and all this stuff and I noticed I would come home and I would like as an em. I, I am so easily absorbing everyone else's emotions. And my emotions on my own are just like immediately on my sleeve, right? And I'd come home, close the door and just start bawling because I was so exhausted of holding, everyone's like stressed out, high intense emotions.
And so I was like, okay, I wanna keep doing these because I know that they're good for my growth for my business. What if I go. Be my weird, authentic, strange self. And the next one I went to, the universe had a different plan in mind because the next one I went to as we were like all standing up and you know, giving like our, hi, my name's Nicole Baker. I'm the c e o of live Code Da. You know, that 92nd elevator pitch that just makes me wanna goble you know?
Abbie: Yeah. Everybody tunes out.
Nicole: oh, everyone tunes out. Everyone's thinking about what they're gonna say. Like it's just exhausting. They instead threw us a curve ball and they were like, what is your number one limiting belief?
And I like, look around. I'm like, I'm sorry, what? Like, I dunno these people and I'm gonna stand up and say that like I am, I'm practicing the art of authenticity right now. In the past I have been a very like hard walls up. My fiance and I joke, we've been, we've known each other 10, almost 11 years. We've been dating five, almost six. I may be in the past two years, started actually being like, like vulnerable with him. That's a whole other can of worms that we can get into, but we don't have to. But, um, I was, Shaking, just like absolutely terrified. I was so outta my comfort zone, but then I remembered, okay, my goal here was to, you know, not only show up as me, but me is also playful and silly and weird.
And for me, that limiting belief didn't like sharing. That didn't mean I had to be standing up there and crying. It meant that I could still be Nicole. I could still go up and just share as Nicole. And I got up and I said, okay, my number one limiting belief is that it's never. I'm never enough. I will never have enough. Um, it will never be enough, you know, I mean, I literally coach these people and yet that is still one of my beliefs that I'm working on the most. And I was able to say that and like, be so at peace. And I got home and instead of crying, I actually felt energized.
Abbie: Yeah.
Nicole: is hilarious because we're all standing up saying our number one limiting beliefs, but the room had an energy that was
just vibrating.
Abbie: and this is real.
Nicole: real. Exactly. It was real. There was no walls being put up. There were no like fake smiles. Everyone had to stand up and say something that was raw and
real,
Abbie: That's what people relate to. I think people think, especially as online marketers creating content, oh, people just, they wanna see the highlight reel, they wanna see that stuff. And like that stuff's nice, but it's so surface level. What people really relate to is the struggle.
And even though we coach on certain things, I can't tell you how many times I've gotten data. Like I recently posted that I haven't meal prepped in the last couple weeks. I just started to get back. , uh, this past week, but I, a couple weeks without meal prepping and I was like, y'all, I'm gonna be honest, haven't been motivated to cook.
I've skipped meals. I haven't, I haven't had an appetite. It's been really hard for me to, to eat. You know, I recently ran through a breakup and I was like, it's just a, a hard time, you know? And, um, , I got flooded with dms like, thank you so much. This is so me right now. Like, appreciate you sharing like it's so real.
And you know, people were giving me tips like, here's what I have done. Like I made a smoothie cuz sometimes it's easier, easier to sip nutrients than, than to eat it. And I was like, that's something that I would do. Like I would, you know, give tips for that. So I just feel like we were able to, Relate, and it was hard for me to share that because it's something that I coach on, but I think it also gives us more credibility.
It's like, I can help you out of this because I've been there
Nicole: Yeah. Something that I've been hearing from podcast listeners is like, cause I've been opening up a lot more on the podcast, not making it a sob story by any means, but like making it more like, Hey, this is like, This is the raw real Nicole, like I am imperfect. I one of my biggest pet peeves.
I will step on my soapbox for 15 seconds. Um, one of my biggest pet peeves is people in the personal development world or the personal growth world, saying like, I get up at five 30 every single morning and I do this and this, and this, and this, and this, and if I don't, then I'm trash. Like, you know, there's just like this, like extreme expectation on yourself.
And don't get me wrong, I do agree that, you know, Having like a morning routine and, you know, having something that like challenges you to get outta your comfort zone. Like, I get up at six most mornings, but notice I say most on my, my baseline is six, but I'm also a human being. So if I slept terribly the night before, I'm gonna sleep in.
Or if, it's a weekend. I'm not getting up at six. Like, no way. I have. a discipline with a human lean. And I think that that's really important. And so since I've started like being really open about that on the podcast, I've had a lot of people reach out to me and just be like, thank you so much for being real and being raw and still sharing this information, but also letting us know that you're not a robot
Like, you know, and it's like, I love that. And I think it's important because there are so many people in the world preaching that you have to be all or nothing.
Abbie: Mm-hmm.
Nicole: Especially the people I work with, especially perfectionists, that is a really unhealthy thing because if I listen to five podcasts, they're telling me five different extremes.I'm not gonna think I need to do one extreme. I'm gonna think I need to do all five, right? If I'm, if I have a perfectionists head, and it's exhausting. It's impossible. Again, it's setting you up for failure. And perfectionists don't like failure , you know?
Abbie: What would you recommend, what are your like rapid fire three to five tips to start healing from perfectionism, which we have talked about so many different things. Like we need to be in stillness. We need to be like, so we've talked about some of these things already, but if you had a list of.
Tips to start healing from perfectionism, what would you recommend?
Nicole: I'm gonna go back to the different types of perfectionism real quick, cuz each type would have a different next step. The first type is that overachiever, right? That one that's like, I have to achieve this next thing. It's like that. Um, I'm a striver. I always wanna do the next thing and the next thing.
But here's the deal. You get to that level of success. You don't celebrate yourself. Or if you do, you're like five minutes of celebration. I'll go out to dinner with my friends, but you won't be thinking about that celebration. You're gonna be thinking about the next goal that you wanna accomplish and you're already not there.
So for that type of person, for that striver personality, the number one piece of advice is the number one thing you don't wanna do. And that is learn how to, I don't love the phrase slow down, but I'm gonna say it. It's learn how to slow down. I have a quote actually. Where is it? It's right here. You uh, people can't see it, but it's a canvas that I painted and it says, life is mastering the art of when to speed up and when to slow.
Abbie: Hmm.
Nicole: white. It's that beautiful gray in the middle for high achievers. It is learning how to slow down. It's learning how to add play and joy and fulfillment back into your life. You have to learn how to enjoy the life you're working so hard for, and a really good way to do that is to stop pushing. So gosh darn hard. So going on a walk in nature.
Abbie: You're speaking to me right now. Thank you. I'm learning this lesson so hard,
Nicole: Me, me too. And we're always gonna be learning it. cuz we live in a society that is preaching us the antithesis. Right? It's going against the crowd, which we are neurologically programmed to go with the crowd because when we were back in our cave mandates, if we went against the crowd, if we went away from the campsite, what happened?
We died. , a saber tooth tiger would go, you're my lunch. Thank you, . Like we'd be dead. So we are neurologically programmed because while we have, we've taken many leaps and bounds as a society, the iPhone, Steve Jobs, all that good stuff has happened to us. Our baseline programming is still those caveman, still those caveman days.
It takes millions and millions and millions of years for us to reprogram our brain and we are nowhere near that timeline. So, It requires us to go against the crowd, which feels weird. So I, I always like to say that because people are gonna be like, but slowing down feels so uncomfortable. I don't know how to do it. Yeah, it's gonna feel weird. It's what you're not programmed to do right now. So let it be uncomfortable. Let it be weird. I love painting. That's a huge thing I love doing to slow myself down. Journaling, meditation, I visualize every single day. That is something that, you know, u most every single day, let me say that because I'm not, I'm not all or nothing, but like I visualize most every single day because that is something that slows my brain down and gets me into like, Just like so grateful with a purpose.
Um, by the way, if, um, if you're like, I hate doing visualizations cause I've gone onto YouTube and there's been, you know, all these like random visualizations that are super broad and then they take like 45 minutes. I do not believe that visualization has to do that. I actually have a visualization vault, which is seven different visualizations.
And in those seven different visualizations, they're in different categories of your life. So relationships, career confidence, money, um, and they're all less than 10 minutes.
Abbie: Slay. We will link that up in the show notes
Nicole: I'll put in the show and I'd love to give you? guys a discount for that because I believe everyone needs this.
So, um, that's less than $20. It's a quick and dirty little thing. , and then , let's go to the second type of perfectionism. The procrastinator. So I'm super overwhelmed by all the options I have to do all the options. I want to do my 45 different goals, freeze. I don't do any of 'em. I'm so overwhelmed.
It's so, you know, like I, I don't know which one to do first. I don't know how to do all of 'em at once. And when we go into that state of overwhelm, our brain hits the fight flight freeze button. And we freeze , right? So, um, that procrastination, a lot of people are like, oh, I don't wanna be a procrastinator.
It means I'm lazy. It means I'm mediocre. It means I'll never strive for anything bs. Your brain is just doing what it's programmed to do, which is stop because you're in fight, flight, freeze. So for those people in procrastination, A lot of the times what they're trying to do is, let's say they're here at Level Zero, we're gonna make this easy math.
They're here at level zero. Their goal is level 100. It's huge. They wanna be a billionaire. There's like these huge, huge, huge goals. And they start to think about how do I get from level zero to level 100? There is no steps one through 99.
So for procrastinators, , your goal is to not look at level 100 and say, how do I get there? Instead you say, okay, that's where I'm heading. What's step one, and
Abbie: Yeah. Break it
Nicole: Break it down. Those goals and so what I like to call these is milestone goals. So your huge goal is level 100. It is on its way, but you cannot get to level 100 at the blink of an eye.
You have to do steps one through 99 first. So instead breaking it down into those one through 99, note I did not say what is level one and two. I said, L, what is level one? We're going into that 80 20 rule, right? Your level one is your 20%, your level two is right now, you're 80%. It does not matter as much.
It is just a time waster because you're not there yet. Once you get to level one, boom, then your level two bumps up to that 20%. Your level three is in the 80. You see what I'm,see what I'm saying?
Abbie: Yeah, absolutely.
Nicole: alone eases that overwhelm muscle. So that you don't have that like danger, danger, alert, alert, alert button going off in your head.You're able to breathe. You're able to see clearly, and you're able to take those steps. Last but not least, number three is the people pleaser. We all know this type of perfectionist , right?
Um, while high achiever and procrastinator are very internal types of perfectionism, they have a standard for them. People pleasers typically let other people determine what that standard is, and they try to match themselves with everyone else's standard for them. By the way, this can be their actual standard for you. So maybe a mom or a dad or a parent, um, like gave you like, this is how you need to act when you're a kid. or maybe it's a perceived standard and you just think that that's what they need you to be. But for the people pleasing perfectionists, I'll go ahead and tell you you're already doing what you need to be doing, and that is work on yourself. Start learning how to trust the absolute daylights outta your own voice because so many people pleasers are putting other people on his pedestal.
They're putting everyone else's schedules to-do lists ahead of themselves. And the best way to combat that is not only, you know, boundaries and stuff like that, that all comes when you work on yourself. Boundaries come easier when you know how to respect yourself and your time and your voice. So, podcasts, they're free.
Hooray. Listen to them. like, um, books. Go to your, this doesn't have to cost you a dang thing. Go to your library. Go to linda.com, do some audiobooks. Listen and start fueling your mind. If you have the funds. Work with a coach or a therapist, they know how to literally personalize every single exercise to you and you will get there a lot faster.
If, that's not financially feasible for you, that's okay. Uh, a bunch of people have courses or mini courses or Instagram feeds that are actually inspiring. You know, like there's so many different ways that don't have to cost you a dime or that are low cost. So don't let I don't have the money. Excuse, get in your way cuz I will crush it outta you. I'll crush it outta you. Cause it's not real. So, Those are the three types and those are what I would do. If you're thinking, um, okay, I think I know what my type is, or you wanna figure out what your type is. I have a free quiz. If you go to life coachbaker.com/quiz, you'll figure it out through there.
Um, and you might be asking, what if I'm all three? That is super normal. We tend to lean into each different type of perfectionism, um, in like different categories of her life. So for instance, in my business, I used to be the hella overachiever that was. Number one, when I was at school, I was a mix of that overachiever procrastinator because I was procrastinating on all the reasons I wanted to achieve really big.
When I was a kid, it was a people pleaser. I wanted to be everything for everyone else because if I wasn't, I got hurt. So,
Abbie: Mm-hmm.
Nicole: it, it can switch. You don't, you aren't locked into one. Um, but I would definitely take the quiz because we tend to have a a home base one. Actually, I'd love to hear, what do you think your home base type is? Abbie?
Abbie: Well, I know that I was a people pleaser growing up. . Um, because for me, I, my parents had the messiest divorce, so if I was able to keep the peace, then, then it was good. Then things were pleasant. So I did everything I could to try and just be the peacemaker and to please everyone. Um, so I wonder if what you grow up with, if that really is your base, because I don't know, I, I mean, yes, people pleasing tendencies are still in me, but I think the achiever, striver is more prominent for me now.
Nicole: And you can switch it. It's not, it's not like nature versus nurture. It can definitely be, um, you. We as we grow up, we evolve, right? Um, I too was a huge people pleaser when I was younger and now it's a super high achiever. The funny thing is, is that those tend to bleed into each other. A lot of people who are people pleasers when they were a kid tended to people please by achieving and doing really well.
Um, this was absolutely me. By doing that, the achiever just kind of sticks with you because there's a dopamine hit. Anytime we're achieving something, there's this hit of like, motivation. There's a hit of anticipation for the next one, right? This is where that, um, that addiction comes in. It's like as much as methamphetamine. By the way, I'm getting this research from a man named Arthur Brooks. He's a professor at Harvard. I definitely check him out. He's amazing. He has a book called, From strength to strength, it is ironically a book about how to like, find fulfillment and happiness in your second part of life. So it's really for people who are over 50.
Um, but there are two chapters in that book about achievement that have changed my life. And I actually haven't read the rest of the book because I ha I, those two chapters I just reread over and over and over again. Um, cuz the rest tend to be a little bit more geared towards like, a different generation than me., , I love the, the research that he's done. He's also been on many, many podcasts. You can check him out through there. Again, Arthur Brooks, I think he actually goes by Arthur C. Brooks when he does
Abbie: Okay. Cool. Cool. Now, where can we find you? You have a podcast? Where can we find you? What are you promoting right now? All the things.
Nicole: I have a podcast called The Life Coach Baker podcast. Sweet Abby has been on it. Um, and I, I think you mentioned we'll put the link to your episode in the show notes cuz it was awesome. , I am everywhere at life Coach Baker, so if you're more of an Instagram person, I'm most active on there. Again, life Coach Baker, no underscores, no nothing.
Just Life Coach Baker. , if you wanna learn about my courses, my. programs, anything like that, you can go to life coach baker.com. Um, as of right now, at least when I'm recording this, I am enrolling, I think it's two or three spots in my one-on-one coaching program. And then I also have courses that are just ever, ever going.
So if you wanna check those out, especially if what I set around productivity is really hitting home for you. I have a six week course called Get Productive. It. Without a doubt. One of my most popular courses, I have had people go through that course and cut their work week in half. They have taken off Fridays after being a workaholic for 10 plus years. I mean, like it is, it is one of those courses where I just look at the people who graduate from it and I'm like, you are amazing. Like, it's so, so cool. So, um, I'd love to offer a discount for your listeners of 50% because I believe in this course so
Abbie: Oh my God.
Nicole: I think. ,it's uh, so normally it's 500, but I'd love to offer it to you guys for 247, so I'll put that link to you
Abbie: Um, Thank you so much. Y'all better be checking this out in the show notes y'all need. I know some of y'all need this. Most of
Nicole: And the thing I love about all, all my courses, but this course in particular, I am not a woowoo teacher. I, I respect those people who are more like universe, stuff like that. That's not really my teaching style. I'm really into the science of how our brain works and how can we use our schedule, how can we use our mindset, how can we use our habits and behavior to work with the strengths of our brain?
To maximize our output, but maximize our free time, maximize our ability to rest and take time off and be a human being and feel like we're living that full and perfect life. That is where I more lean into. So if you're a science nerd, a neuroscience person like me, I swear it's all digestible. I do not throw as terms at you without explaining what they are. Um, but we really lean into the science behind this stuff, which is my favorite part of the course. So again, , I'll give you all the links to that and.
Abbie: Yes. That'll be in the show notes for sure. Love it. Okay, well, last question for you, Nicole. What is one thing you're going to do this week to make your days better?
Nicole: What am, what am I gonna do this week to make my days better? I love this question. Um, You know what? Right now I'm actually training for a 15 k. Um, it's been a minute since I've done like a, like a longer distance. You know, I've done two half marathons in my life. I love them. Um, but right now I was like, you know what?
I'm also in the middle of planning a wedding. I'm also in the middle of building a business. I'm also building a speaking career as well. I need to kind of, you know, go a little bit less, but still something that gets me excited to get up in the morning. And so I've started doing this and it has been. One of those things where I was like, I forgot how much I missed this.
I really forgot how much I missed running. And um, cuz over the summer I'd been like weight training a lot and doing a lot more of that stuff. And I was like, you know what, like I totally see how people love this. Like I absolutely do. For me that long distance running just really is what fuels my fire.
And so, , I'm following a program. This is one of the weeks where the mileage gets upped and those tend to be the hard weeks, but that's when your mindset is just , Everything like when you're doing it. So the thing that I am doing this week is really leaning into my mindset when I'm doing these longer distances, um, because those are so hand in hand.
Abbie: So needed. So needed. Awesome. Well, good luck with the
Nicole: thank you. I'll also give you, I'll I'll, also give you a nerdy one as well. So Hogwarts legacy comes out on song tomorrow, , and I'm a huge gamer. I love video games. I play Sky Room, I play, uh, Zelda, all these different ones. I I love it. I'll tell you this cause I'm, , Just gonna be real with you.I've probably logged over 900, maybe even a thousand hours on Zelda. Breath of the wild , like that's how much I played
Abbie: I am obsessed with you. That is amazing.
Nicole: And I'm so excited cuz Hogwarts legacy. This is a game I've waited for for many, many years. Um, comes out. For, for me and my sister tomorrow night, and we're gonna play it all through the night.
We're gonna, we like literally taking Tuesday off to play this game with my sister and bond with her. And that is something I'm doing for Nicole just to like truly fuel that nerd fire and I'm so
Abbie: Yeah, y'all. This just goes to show that you can log 900 plus hours and still have a thriving business. Thriving, you know, I was gonna say marriage, but relationship now going to be a marriage. Like you can do it all. You can do it all. And you'll be okay. You'll be okay. Your work will be there tomorrow. Love it. Well, thank you so much, Nicole. I appreciate you being.
Nicole: Thank you so much for having me. This has been fun.
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